Darrell

Well this month thus far has been interesting to say the least. Starting right on Canada Day, even though in hindisght it was a blast, the kegger really through me for a loop and an episode in my head about feeling alone and oblivious to those around me...well, lets just say it ended up post-fireworks, which I didn't go see, with trying to see if Baileys and medication really do have a lethal combination. In addition, during this I called up some people, one I want to forget, a friend I think I may have lost and another who's always stood by me..but ultimately, none of them except one had a positive effect.
This month coincides with one year since my aunt Joyce died which really is why i'm here writing. As some of you know, Joyce was an alcoholic and that's how she chose to escape this life. My uncle Imants on my mom's side is the same way, and Lord knows when he's gonna go. When I was younger, because of my violent temper and obsessive nature, my mom would often compare me to him and was scared that I would turn out an alcoholic like him. I resent my mother for that, and resent the way even at Joyce's funeral, some of the family were less than discrete about making quips about her issues. Did they really know what was going on with her? No. Her daughter is a selfish bitch and her son Shawn has a bigger temper than I do and walked out, although Shawn I feel so sorry for because Joyce's funeral coinceded with Shawn's marriage to his long-time girlfrind Kristy.
All of this and Canada day, and other social parties have made me in extreme conflict with alocohol. will I? won't I? am I an alcoholic? I sense a ring of truth to that because people I care about, people i'd like to have a better friendship with, become avoiding when they can tell i've had too much..and what scares me is I don't know when to say when. I said I wouldn't have any again, but i'm scared of that too. I always seem to find myself in social situations where alcohol is almost obligatory, like my friend Julia's 19th birthday where she has asked me despite my beliefs and fear to have a drink with her. I can hardly be mad at her though. I doubt she knows how deep this runs with me. I probably will because she is my friend, and no matter what i'll do everything for my friends, especially her. I sense something troubling her between her and I and I wish I knew what it was. I know I come across as overbearing, and maybe a part of me's jealous because even though I try to make her a part of my life, I feel she keeps me at a distance and yea it really hurts sometimes.
Same time, even love has it's confusions with me. Lately, i've really fallen for this amazing girl Ana. She makes me feel strong and confident, and yea very cocky, which of course is an amazing feeling to have. Same time, she doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone right now, and because she just got out of a long-term relationship with someone, she doesn't want me being the rebound guy. But i'm sorry, if you're on the same bed as me with that penetrating stare and that fantastic smile, what do you expect? Same time I bring her into this blog is she doesn't drink and I feel wouldn't fit along with my friends, which kills me, because I wish my world knew her better. I mean, i've met a good 5 or 6 of her closest friends, and she's only very briefly met one of mine. Things move too slow, but maybe it's worth waiting. or maybe i'm lying to myself.
Well that's been my life this week....i'll see if I can enjoy without analyzing the next one.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Trip - Hedley

The title goes along with a cliche, old expression that gets passed along to every child by their parents to try and instill true values. While many of us try and hold up to being a truthful person, one must admit that often, many of us lie, often small, white lies and sometimes larger ones. As some of you who are reading this and know me are aware, I have been in the past, a person that may be categorized as a compulsive liar. Often in my case, these are small white lies that initially I think can't do any harm. Recently, these white lies started piling up with two good friends of mine, and subsequently, the friendship was threatened. I have since apologized for my faults, although I am still wary that a rift in our friendship still exists and it is something I will try to mend over time, but for now, I wish to draw attention to an experience I had while walking in the Byward Market tis afternoon. Often in the market or downtown, you'll find buskers and peddlers, asking for a handout. Often we walk on by, myself including. We have been brainwashed by society that the money we hand them will wind up at the LCBO; a waste of money as far as i'm concerned. Sadly, this does have a strong ring of truth to it in my own personal experience. While many peddlers would be ashamed to admit the money is going to buy them booze and subsequently lie, one individual stopped me on the street to ask for money so he could get a beer. I was shocked by this...I know if I were in his condition, I wouldn't dare admit it was for an alcohol fix. Begging for money for a drink is nothing to be proud of. But here he was: he appeared sober, spoke eloquently, was relatively clean, and rather polite about asking. He evem showed me what he collected so far to help himself.
Although initially I felt like blasting the guy for wanting money for beer when there are so many other things he could be spending his money on. I politely refused and explained that I don't give money to peddlers for this very reason. He told me that he respected my stance and continue onto another individual, also being very honest about what his intentions were. As I watched him ask others, I wondered how many people would have given him their pocket chance if he had lied and said he would use the money for food, bus fare, practical things. I wondered if his honesty was selling himself short; though I still respect his choice. I wonder if others would be willing to be that honest with themselves and others.
We cannot deny people judge us, and often that's why individuals lie, seemingly to get ahead. So my question I pose is which is better: getting ahead with the odd lie, or staying behind with a clear conscience?

Current Location: At Home..anxious for replies
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: My A/C machine whistling...lol

Recently I have spent the past week in my suburban home of Barrie, simply relaxing with my parents, enjoying drives and golfing with my Dad. While I thought this much needed downtime would yield me the freedom to explore my songwriting, it has in fact done the opposite; I have total writer's block. I started wondering what it would be like to be a singer who didn't write their own music, because either way I have always wanted to make it in the music industry as a singer/songwriter. Within the last four years, the media has focused much attention on the "resurgence" of the singer/songwriter. As the Britney phase wore out and the Avril phase came through, people began declaring that you weren't credible in the music industry unless you wrote your own music.

My own writersblock and the focus on the lambasting my the music industry made me think back to the time when I started getting into music; the Boy-Band/Girl-Group era, think Britney, Backstreet and Hanson for those who "luckily" have forgotten that time in music history. While these groups were ultimately necessary for a time to transition out of the Nirvana grunge phase that was ultimately a very depressing time, I wondered why these groups like Backstreet and Britney didn't write their own songs compared to their contemperaries and only focused on party music and love ballads.

I think it's because most of the artists that fall into this category came from happy-surburban, upper-middle class lives and often beyond getting the opposite sex to like you and having a good time, we're taught in this society not to have any deep-dark emotional trauma or at least not to express it. And to a degree why not, I mean which would you prefer to listen to, a party song, or one about suicide? I think that's my problem as well. I can only write so many songs about longing and love before they start sounding repetitive and the same with other issues i've discussed in my music which either happy or suicidal, deal with relationships with girls or friendships in general. If you look at artists that have songwriting credits, a lot of them come from disfunctional homes, abuse, depression, working-class lifestyle, all sorts of negative situations that they've had to go through. I give them huge admiration for doing so and it in a sense makes me lucky about the type of life i've led, but right now, these are topics i'm having difficultly putting into words.

I also believe i'm too young. Look at the ages of when these boys and girls were made stars in the late 90's and think of how many experiences you had gone through by the time you were 14-16. Not many, right? Whereas look at artists like Eminem, Greenday, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Janis Joplin..any singer/songwriter really. Most of them only got in the music industry when they're in their mid-twenties, or in the case of an Avril, they earn they're respect over time [she got most more credit for her second album than her first...umm, maybe because she's had more experiences since.]

So maybe I'm expecting too much of myself at this stage in my life. I haven't had the expereinces worth writing about yet and maybe I need to grow a little before I can really start writing stuff others would consider credible.

Current Location: Barrie, Ontario
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Angels and Airwaves - The Adventure